The Grudge

A Japanese film that was given a Hollywood remake. It tells a story that when a person in grave sorrow dies, his spirit lingers waiting to avenge those who have caused his misery and pains. That was the film's gist. But that's not what this blog is all about. This is about my grudge, oh well, not really, maybe some slight upset and bitterness over what I have been through in life. My desperation and inspiration, wishes and misses, feelings and failures.

Like all other, I have my share of not so happy childhood, lots of it at the back of my mind. Those experiences that I don’t want to go back to. Those hate feelings that I have kept inside my chest for a very long time. I Guess I have been holding it up for so long that I feel its time to let go and move on. I can’t forever harbor my insecurities and resistance within. I should not wage a war to those who might have hurt me unconsciously one way or another.

I am what I am today because of what I was. I might not have been born as good looking as the rest of my family but I was given the gift of knowledge and arts but never did I consider it a blessing. I have never been closed to my relatives because I was not like them in appearance but I never tried to reach out. I have been a consistent first honor since grade school but nobody had showed any appreciation for my feat.

They used to go somewhere during summer – Baguio, Tagaytay, Pangasinan, there was no instance that I have ever been invited. During family gatherings and homecomings, they have never felt my presence, more so, my absence. I have finished schooling on mu own – with so much pain, with so much hurt. They thought all had gone well. Nobody had dared to ask because I have never showed any sign I was actually deteriorating inside.

Eventually I have become immune for being always taken for granted. I don’t blame anyone for all my frustrations. I was the one who expected for something that they were not obligated to do. I was the one who built walls and burned bridges. I was the one who loathed myself and conditioned my mind that people around me could never do anything good to me. I have created my own ghost and I have underestimated the capacity of others. Where it’s coming, not from out there.

Just the same, I don’t blame myself for all my indifference. During those times when my emotions’ supposed to have brought me down, I have found an inspiration to go on and move ahead believing that if I wouldn’t help myself, no one else would do. I have not taken it against anyone, as a curse or vengeance. Fact is, I have made all the goodness that I could possibly extract from it: motivation and encouragement, to never fail in the battle that I was fighting for.