Conqueror

As each day the sun rise
As each prays to be wise
As my baby sleep with his cries
Hearing his mama's lullabies

As the sun dries up the morning mist
As the day forgives with a subtle kiss
As the night wanders in eloquent bliss
As time travels in boundless breeze

I alone weep with my little wish
To cast my tears of fears and anguish
Not the cold wind to kiss my lips
Bu the warmth of a love's embrace

I have waited long and for so long
The days had passed to years and gone
Hopeless intimated toy balloon
Scared to fly and soar abandon

An incredible voice then came along
Out of no where to play a song
My world stumbled and my sight drawn
What couldn’t happen happened and I'm away blown

With all the years and days that passed
Of finding love that never was
The pain of solitude is freed at last
Here to stay, I hope, our match

Each day now the sun hugs west
I see the moon shines at its best
I couldn’t ask for more or less
With you, with you, I'm gratefully blessed.

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The Sea Inside

We are in turbulent times. The recent onslaught of typhoon Ondoy which has put the Philippines in a global subject of financial support is just a major sign of things to come. After the storm, many were left homeless, lives were claimed, properties were damaged, the actual scope of Ondoy's wrath is immeasurable. The "Great Flood" is what they have called it, almost the sea trying to engulf the bustling jungle of human settlement. While the rain poured hard to drown the sins of the world, there was no silence heard, there were cries, loud and screaming, there were shouts for help and rescue, there were weeps, endless and heartbreaking.

I, too, is in a middle of a storm. Before I think it's even over, I am already broken and hurt. I got mistakes and I battled the storm. But you can't. I couldn’t. Why do we experience storms? Why do the seas need to embrace the earth in such unsweet manner? Maybe we have wronged, maybe we have acted too much, maybe it just want us to realize that we should have loved and not only lived, that everything in this world has a purpose, has a feelings that could be hurt.

Many nights I have cried and my own seas slapping my face with gentle kisses of salty water. A little piece of hope is what keeping me still breathing and moving on. Hope that someday people that I have hurt will ever forgive me. I have decided to move on in silence. Let the storm pass. I have nothing left to lose. All was taken away. I was cleansed of the stubbornness. I am moving on in silence. I hope there I could meet peace.

Recently, a life long dream of mine has already been fulfilled, that is, to be at least mentioned in a blog award. Not everyone knows but I actually started blogging in 2004 back in time when most were still unfamiliar with blogging as a way of life. I think it's time to get a low. The vast and endless horizon of the sea inside me is wanting for reflection and absence from learning eyes. Till then..

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Forgiven & Forgotten

I have always marveled at people who could forgive and forget; those who could forgive and essentially move on out of the pains like they had never been hurt. In all of my human abilities, I believe that this is one that I am totally weak to do so. For the adage in my nerves has always been "forgive but never forget". That is what it pays to be gifted with very good memories, not that I remember more, only that I don't forget much.

As is typical, things that happened, especially the painful ones of any origins, is logged in a wrinkle in my brains where it lays dormant, waiting for the moment of necessary recall to strike. I can let go of things, get passed certain frustrations or pains, get on with my life and be happy, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten the disappointment in someone or the pain they've caused. Somewhere along, I still feel the twinge of sadness or anger that the offense has left behind, I have just moved on.

I have heard stories of people who became good friends with people who have caused them pain saying that they have forgiven them for all their transgressions and offenses. I nod in disagreement. Perhaps I'm too old, set in my ways, or immature, but that makes no sense to me. Maybe they're just lying. It all seems like they are deluding themselves. Maybe it will be easier to say you've forgiven the wrongdoer, to ease the other person's guilt and to end the discussion and move on separately with your lives.

Either way, as I've stated above, I'm not good at forgiveness in its truest sense. Mention a past hurt and the ache of disappointment will swell once again, though thankfully not to the level of the original moment, but still. So, perhaps another adage is more correct: Time heals all wounds. Well, I don't think it heals; it just puts a lot of new memories in to fill the gaps and soften the shock and power of the bad ones.

Anyway, this is what I've been mulling over lately. And I realized in the middle of things that's going around me that it's time to let go. I could never be forgiven for all my indifference and offenses unless I myself have learned to let all my hurts and pains go with the wind. I could never achieve genuine peace if I live with hatred. Forgive? sounds good. Forget? Best idea. I wish us all peace.

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Offensive Food

"We did not kill anybody!"

---------------------- Fish

An email directive from the HR department was circulated in our office this afternoon. And like most HR originating instruction, the new restriction is not as easily digestible as they want it to be. Mouths and ears ready? It's about food and just when you thought that eating is more of a right than a privilege, well not here in Dubai and not anymore. The email notified that employees eating in the pantry should refrain from bringing "foods that are offensive to others".

Initially, it may sound just fine, like a reiteration that some food items are not to be taken vulgarly as it might be divergent of the Islamic culture, say pork and liquor for example. We could understand that. But the object of the objection in neither pork or liquor, but fish and chicken! Well, not fish and chicken per se, but dishes of both that gives off lingering and strong stench when heated in the microwave. Some people in the office (not Filipinos) have appeared to be annoyed by the smell of our food that’s why they complained. So now, we are taking fried tilapia and daing na bangus out of the menu as this food could very well discharge a scent that might embarrass others.

We Filipinos love to eat and our dishes, having been influenced by the Spanish, are full of ingredients, sauces and spices. People in the Middle East are used to eating raw and tenderly barbequed beef and stuff. Definitely it will be some kind of a culture shock for them to sniff something that they are not used to. We respect and understand that but they should have been more careful and sensitive when making such pronouncements. We believe that there is no offensive food as any food is a blessing from God that should be appreciated and thanked for. Cultural and personal differences could really be an issue but they could have settled divergences emanating from it in some other nicer ways.

Anyhow, we Filipinos in the office are taking the issue light and so some sarcastically. Can a subjective stink kill anyone? If there are offensive foods, what are the non-offensive ones? One even joked, "eh dapat maglagay sila ng Vicks sa ilong nila kapag kumakain tayo para hindi nila naamoy!". Of course, we just keep our opinions on our rounds. We are no managers to poke any refusal against the powers-that-be. Okay na yung walang pritong isda, kaysa sa mawalan ng trabaho.

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R-A-N-D-O-M

Dubai, 10:21 PM Saturday, Here are what I have in mind:

Rest days. Are over again. Seems to move so fast. I barely notice it's all lights out already. I just woke up a while ago. Been in bed since morning. I lost my mobile again the other night. Was so stupidly intoxicated. Well, at least I feel proud that I could do such things once in a while. Rest days are over. Another five straight days of work awaits tomorrow. And I still miss my family and my life in the Philippines. Can't seem to move on.

Award. Not really yet, just a nomination. Whoah! The drama and all my struggles and triumphs as an OFW and as a blogger have been recognized and shortlisted as finalist in the OFW Blog Category of the prestigious Philipine Blog Awards. I am ecstatic and filled with joy as I have never expected such appreciation, well at least this soon. Thanks to the people behind the nomination and kudos to all the other Kablogs nominees namely: Pope of Palipasan, Nebz of Isla de Nebz and Noel of Baul ni Noel.

News. Cristine Reyes is on top! Literally that is! At the roof of their house as relentless rains flooded and submerged their house and most residences in Marikina and other parts of Metro Manila. The best teleserye in recent years has just ended beautifully and interestingly. Before the heavy rains today, emotions were also flooded in tears as Filipinos witnessed the dramatic finale of Tayong Dalawa.

Disco. I went singly last Thursday. The frustrating part? I went there alone and more than half out of lucidity. I have already drunk too much in the house before I went there. There was crowd but I threw up in the toilet the moment I arrived. Disgusting! I messed up my pants and my shirt. I had to leave unwillingly and frustratingly. I wasn’t able to join the dance contest. My many days of practicing the infectious choreography of "Nobody" was put to vain. Anyway, there's always a second time.

Okay. Magbabayad na daw ng interest sa utang sa bangko sa katapusan..okay. Kita kita naman tayong dating mag officemate para naman you know magbonding..okay. Kuya, luto ka naman ng spag sa Lunes, di ba na regular ka na?..okay. She, dalaw ka naman dito minsan para turuan mo din akong magblogs, hehehe..okay. It feels good pala kung puro okay ang isasagot mo sa mga tanong sa yon oh? Parang ang bait ko! Anghel! Okay?

Memories. I am lying on my bed and I am looking straight at the white painted ceiling of our room. I am smiling occasionally as I think of my life. It's been one hell of ride from the start. There were so much pains and hurt but just the same, there were countless joys and success. I am imagining what tomorrow will bring but I really am clueless. Guess I'll just have to give it all up to Him.

Good night. Sweet Dreams.

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A Night A Nation Cried

I have reasons to be happy but I have chosen not to so I could be one with the nation and with the million Filipinos around the world to witness a saddening event. A night we wanted to feel sad and sorry, a night that was no cheerful and light. A night we knew would make us feel heavy on the chest yet we obliged. A night that has become ours, a night that was both poignant and depressing. A night that I alone have not cried and we couldn’t help it.

For many months, we have committed to behold their intertwined stories. We were delighted with surprising twist after another , so fast paced that it's frustrating to miss a thing. Beyond their exciting tales were characters so real and lovable, that for most times, we have laughed with them, cried with them and deeply affected by their emotions and even dreams. Our devotions to know them larger than what we could see have mirrored how affectionate we Filipinos are, how easily we get carried away even sometimes by the things and thoughts that are just real life imitations.

As their end drew to a close, we too have grasped for breath. In as much as we all wanted a happy ending, we needed to shed tears to bear with their demise. There were so many endings that came before them but somehow we never really cared. Francis M., Michael Jackson, Cory Aquino, yes we mourned their absence, but it's very unlikely to have a greater feeling of pains and grief for something that happened in a box.

Oh well, I know I am not the only one in this agony. I know many of you have cried too last night. It must have rained hard from within for most avid. Tissue please to hold back the drops.

Kagabi, hindi lang ako, hindi lang tayong dalawa, marahil, tayong lahat ay nakiluha sa malungkot na mga kaganapan sa buhay nina Dave, JR at Audrey. Narito ang ilan sa kanilang mga madamdaming tagpo:

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The Man I Am Missing

I am missing someone. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with this guy. I remember years ago, he was thin, pale, quiet, unadorned and very conservative. Looking back to the old days, he had simple aspirations in life, that is, to be of help to his family by finishing college and landing a job probably as an architect or a nurse. He had no friends except me and he had brought all his focus in honing the talents that God has given him (damned!, this guy got a basket of natural gifts). He used to speak less though I knew his heart was full of stories to tell.

We had no earlier pictures together, he’s very camera shy, he thinks he’s hideous.

After college, we parted ways. I left him actually, not because I needed to but because I wanted to. He’s too boring for a mate. He didn’t know anything beyond the most complex algebraic expressions or the elements that most commonly present in the atmosphere. He lived his life with books and the imaginary characters he found therein. He didn’t play any sports. He didn’t wear jeans. He had never been to a mall until I invited him one time during our second year in college. My god! He’s a hermit living in a cave of closed identity. He had lived a simple life but I had never once heard him complain or protest why others have to be more blessed.

Yeah, he maybe so probinsiano, but he’s way better than anyone you could ever find in the metro.

That’s what I had liked about him. Yes, he’s too corny but he’s true. He never lied, he never doubted anything that people told him, he’s very smart yet humble, he’s mysterious, he’s very different. When I came to Manila to work, I did change. I have liked all the new found things that I have not seen in the province and when I was still with him, the huge malls, branded clothes, gadgets, new friends and too many others to mention. I forgot about him just as my Friendster friends keep on growing. Then for a long time, I have not seen him. I don’t know if he’s dead already. There was no news of it.

He disappeared to anonymity, never took his college dreams and then..a news blackout.

So many years passed, I had not heard about him. How I wished I could have given him some complimentary gifts when I was still with San Miguel or invited him to the many occasions that I have spearheaded in our house. How I wished I could have talked to him and just simply take a trip down memory lane. But where is he? Now I am here in Dubai and friends are too hard to find, after so many things that have transpired, after dropping him from my priority list, after denying him a chance to go with the flow, after letting him alone, after leaving him lonely, his thoughts and character suddenly graced my imagination.

He was forgotten, but his character lingered somewhere at the back of my mind.

Could I be missing him? well, I must admit I am. But why? Maybe I got tired of the lights and the modern times and I am looking for some peace and truthfulness . I know he is not that hard to find, only if I will look closer and deeper within myself. I miss him, yeah, i miss the man. I am missing the man I used to be.

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